The Cost of Care

August closed with The Cost of Care, our twice-yearly boundaries seminar, with participants from Colorado, New York City, and New York’s Upper Hudson Valley. Psychologist Dr. Kamauru Johnson and Ed Factory founder and director Dr. Lisa Arrastia facilitated the seminar, with a visit from California attorney Jumoke Johnson, who specializes in boundaries in youth-serving organizations and schools.

The seminar began with writing. In response to a vignette by Sandra Cisneros, participants wrote into their own names and the histories, inheritances, associations, and experiences they carry. The writing made visible that we enter relationships with young people with histories of our own.

Ananya’s piece locates her name in solitude, music, and maternal inheritance.

My Name by Ananya

In Sanskrit, my name means ‘one whose mind is not fascinated by other things.’ In English, it means ‘matchless’. It means someone alone and not lonely; it means waiting in silence with my cats when I was growing up. It is like rain drizzling, ceaseless, without a beginning or an end,  but also carrying music. A tinge of azure blue strung on a Sitar. It is the first song by Rabindranath Tagore that my mother taught me- a song which celebrates the dawn of light. 

It was my mother’s colleague who named me, and now the name belongs to me. She was a happy, liberated woman. Another name that was suggested for me was ‘Soma,’ because I was born on a Monday, but I am glad that they named me Ananya instead. I think this is a very popular name now, which makes me feel less ‘matchless,’ but it wasn’t so common when I was growing up, which was fantastic. 

At my school, they say Ananya was a very quiet and academic girl- still remembering me fondly. But in my head I would like to think of myself like ‘Chandrima’, my fiery-minded deskmate who always thought rules were imposed and following them without justification was not cool. Sometimes I would like to think of myself as Chandrima, whose name meant moonlight, but a quicksilver moon, quirky and not always ‘pleasant’. But I am always Ananya. 

I would like to keep my name as it is, but be a different Ananya, the one nobody sees. Ananya as Anan-Yaa or A- Nan-Ya. Something like A-Nan-Chan-Drim-Ya will do.

Amanda’s piece traces how a name can carry family position, obligation, inheritance, temperament, and longing.

My Name by Amanda

In Latin, my name means worthy of love. In the Boyd family home, it means eldest daughter. It means emotional; it means dramatic. It is like a deep sigh, an exclamation. It is the name they call when they need something done, or the poet’s perspective in a house full of science people. 

It was my father’s tribute to his grandmother, Alberta, and now it is the source for my nieces—Anastasia and Aurora. Aurora. She was a small woman with big laughs and a big stick she was not afraid to wave from her porch when someone needed a warning. I think this is an image I love to think of, because I sometimes think I could use a little more violence in my life. Or at least the threat of it.  

At times they say MenDC, Ms Boyd, NayNay, Mandy. I always respond But I like to be bookended in vowels. Like that Kara Walker writing that says something like, To end in vowels means our names last forever. 

Some of us began imagining a volume of writing like this by teachers and others who support young people—voices and experiences we need in this historical moment.

From there, The Cost of Care examined boundaries not as distance from young people but as a practice of relational care. Participants considered how personal history, power, intimacy, adult needs, and ordinary decisions can erode boundaries, then practiced recognizing boundary drift, communicating limits clearly, and discerning what they should not hold alone.

The day centered on a difficult question: How do I keep the boundary and keep the relationship? The work suggested that clarity can be a form of care and that consistent boundaries can make relationships more trustworthy.

With thanks to Kamauru Johnson, Jumoke Johnson, and Vanessa Small Harrigan for your seminar partnership and support.